Like a lot of individuals who decide to experience Scientology, I began with the Communications Course. The concept made plenty of sense. I figured it would be some kind of intensive public speaking class. Not that I needed it; or so I thought.
I had just completed a public speaking course at the local community college, during which I delivered a forty-five minute speech to the class as a final exam. However, the innocuous but somewhat tedious "free personality test" informed me that I was inadequate as a communicator and therefore the the "results" of the test pointed me to the Communications Course.
What harm could it do? Certainly it was a little strange that the nice little man selling me on the course was completely inarticulate, but hey, who's perfect? Maybe he was new at this. Or perhaps communication was his weak point as well. One thing immediately struck me as incongruent: The manner in which is hand gestures failed to correspond to anything he was saying, as though he was gesticulating to prove to me how good of a communicator he was.
I was slightly annoyed by the staff members who were obviously eavesdropping. There were no females aside from the large woman who sat at the front desk and the males that were there seemed awfully similar in mannerism to the "Trekkies" I knew in High School. The one who was to administer my course had zig-zagged sideburns and high water pants.
Three times I was reminded about the "donations" being tax deductible. It was weird that he failed to see that I was already "sold" on the course and had my credit card in hand. He just kept insisting that I understood that point. Anyway, I was getting hungry so I got up to leave and scheduled time for my first day in the course room.
Everyone seemed so excited to meet me that I left feeling slightly guilty for not reciprocating. I felt so fake. Like I wasn't trying hard enough or something. But then, religious people always made me feel that way. I just never understood the need to appear happy and blessed all the time. Human beings have a broad spectrum of emotion and to live in denial of the darker "tones" seemed futile to me.
The course and the associated books only costed what I would have spent on a typical night out, so the risk seemed justified. As I walked out to my car the older staff members were already outside on a cigarette break. That in itself seemed out of place. I looked to them as clergy in a modern religious system which supposedly teaches its adherents to overcome dangerous addictions.
But maybe that was just my latent cynicism coming out. The personality test did describe as cynical and covertly hostile. So I set my critical thinking faculties aside and determined to press foward.
Introduction: Awakening From The Nightmare
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Escape From Scientology
After being trapped in an abusive relationship with Scientology, I'm finally free. My escape was only made possible thanks to the hard work of the cyber-activism of Anonymous. I want to explain to the general public how an otherwise intelligent and well adjusted person can get caught up in Scientology's web of deceit. There truly is something evil in that the "Church" manipulates the basic psychology of its members/ victims in a way that is nearly impossible to escape until it's too late. It is also my opinion that they operate with the malign intent to not only drain their members emotionally, deprive them intellectually, but also to keep them oppressed financially. I am publishing an account of how Scientology robbed me of my life; of the jobs I lost, the friends who abandoned me, and worse, the time that I lost while indentured as an unwitting servant in this international criminal enterprise. It sounds almost unbelievable until you wake up to the reality of destructive cults in our midst. Think Jonestown, the Moonies, or the Raelians. These are all above ground cults which flourish in our mostly enlightened society. But they are only the tip of the iceberg. Not all cults need publicity to survive. Most thrive under the cover of darkness. It is my view that Scientology falls within the latter category; that the majority of their activities happen in the dark, paranoid, and secret world dreamed up by the charismatic confidence trickster, L. Ron Hubbard. I want to thank each and every Anonymous hero for your role in my awakening and to thank you for allowing me to present my story here. Sarah X |
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Chapter 2: Intimidation
I'm what is known as a free thinker. I question everything, and therefore it is hideously ironic that the very same intellectual curiosity which led me into Scientology was immediately held against me. It started off in simple ways but soon escalated into what I experienced as a high-pressure sales tactic--only I was being forcibly sold on the notion that my own self-reliance and independence was blocking me from reaching my true potential.
The realization that these well dressed and friendly Scientologists were conspiring to foster self-doubt and confusion. To claim that it was anything less than a conspiracy would give their tactics a level of respect that I now know is undeserved. Like sharks drawn to freshly spilled blood, I was beset by experts who knew more about the inner workings of my mind than I did. Or so I was supposed to believe.
It started like this: I asked, why can't I audit myself? "Auditing" is the backbone of Scientology's teachings and practices. It's a form of psychoanalysis which addresses the so called "reactive mind," which to me seemed a plausible, albeit unfounded concept of the mind. Scientology posits the existence of a mind which exists parallel to our conscious mind, not unlike what any Psychology 101 student would recognize as the "unconscious." In Scientology, however, the unconscious mind is more than a repository or repressed desires and fears. Instead, it's the source of all our problems.
As I understood it, the auditing process was a way of accessing the hidden contents of our reactive mind and eliminating stored traumatic experiences. I compared it to hypnotherapy, in a casual and open minded manner, hoping to elicit an interesting and informative conversation about the process. What I got was entirely unexpected; I was scoffed at. The auditor, in whom I was supposed to entrust my deepest, darkest secrets, made me feel stupid and uninformed.
It was bewildering. I was beginning to lose ground in my own mind. I was rapidly capitulating to the repetitive suggestions which constantly reiterated to me the same basic point: agree with the arbitrary and illogical statements made by the staff members, or be subtly berated. It was a sly trick and its basis was nothing less than intimidation disguised as "help."
The realization that these well dressed and friendly Scientologists were conspiring to foster self-doubt and confusion. To claim that it was anything less than a conspiracy would give their tactics a level of respect that I now know is undeserved. Like sharks drawn to freshly spilled blood, I was beset by experts who knew more about the inner workings of my mind than I did. Or so I was supposed to believe.
It started like this: I asked, why can't I audit myself? "Auditing" is the backbone of Scientology's teachings and practices. It's a form of psychoanalysis which addresses the so called "reactive mind," which to me seemed a plausible, albeit unfounded concept of the mind. Scientology posits the existence of a mind which exists parallel to our conscious mind, not unlike what any Psychology 101 student would recognize as the "unconscious." In Scientology, however, the unconscious mind is more than a repository or repressed desires and fears. Instead, it's the source of all our problems.
As I understood it, the auditing process was a way of accessing the hidden contents of our reactive mind and eliminating stored traumatic experiences. I compared it to hypnotherapy, in a casual and open minded manner, hoping to elicit an interesting and informative conversation about the process. What I got was entirely unexpected; I was scoffed at. The auditor, in whom I was supposed to entrust my deepest, darkest secrets, made me feel stupid and uninformed.
It was bewildering. I was beginning to lose ground in my own mind. I was rapidly capitulating to the repetitive suggestions which constantly reiterated to me the same basic point: agree with the arbitrary and illogical statements made by the staff members, or be subtly berated. It was a sly trick and its basis was nothing less than intimidation disguised as "help."
Chapter 3: Total Surveillance
I'm a very spiritually minded person and I believe that when a person is open to it, the Universe itself can communicate a kind of guidance. Some call it intuition and that is certainly a part of it. In my experience, there's an element of meaningful coincidence, i.e. synchronicity.
For me, this has often manifested as certain books falling open to specific pages which reflected my thoughts. Or meeting someone in an unlikely place at an unlikely time, as if there was some kind of divine or higher orchestration to it. And I've learned to not only just trust my intuition, but to rely upon it. This was something which drew me into Scientology. When I walked into the Org for the first time, I was very open and trusting with my beliefs and the Scientologists I met seemed not only to agree with my findings, but to encourage me to elucidate them to the point where I felt that I had finally come across a group of people who understood where I was coming from philosophically.
Sadly, this was not the case. While they waited until months later to begin chiseling away at what I considered to be my unique spiritual path, they certainly played into my expectation. For example, I was browsing at a large bookstore and making my usual rounds, beginning with the "New Age" section. I found a couple of interesting titles in the conspiracy section and grabbed a couple astrology books before finding a seat in the cafe.
Not ten minutes into my stay, I heard couple of familiar voices behind me. Two Scientology staffers were seated at a table glancing though a stack of computer magazines. I couldn't tell if they were already there when I arrived and there voices just picked up volume of if they had just arrived, but either way, it was rather conspicuous. I made eye contact with each and exclaimed that this was an "interesting coincidence."
For me, this has often manifested as certain books falling open to specific pages which reflected my thoughts. Or meeting someone in an unlikely place at an unlikely time, as if there was some kind of divine or higher orchestration to it. And I've learned to not only just trust my intuition, but to rely upon it. This was something which drew me into Scientology. When I walked into the Org for the first time, I was very open and trusting with my beliefs and the Scientologists I met seemed not only to agree with my findings, but to encourage me to elucidate them to the point where I felt that I had finally come across a group of people who understood where I was coming from philosophically.
Sadly, this was not the case. While they waited until months later to begin chiseling away at what I considered to be my unique spiritual path, they certainly played into my expectation. For example, I was browsing at a large bookstore and making my usual rounds, beginning with the "New Age" section. I found a couple of interesting titles in the conspiracy section and grabbed a couple astrology books before finding a seat in the cafe.
Not ten minutes into my stay, I heard couple of familiar voices behind me. Two Scientology staffers were seated at a table glancing though a stack of computer magazines. I couldn't tell if they were already there when I arrived and there voices just picked up volume of if they had just arrived, but either way, it was rather conspicuous. I made eye contact with each and exclaimed that this was an "interesting coincidence."
Chapter 4: Confidence Tricksters
How do intelligent, normal, well-adjusted people get involved in cults? Easy.
I recall how hard it was to get away, but that once I did, it was painfully obvious what had happened: emotional abusers are adept at using your own natural human instincts against you. They control you by trampling upon your self-esteem, your certainties, and your confidence in your own decision making faculties.
Scientology oppresses its members with the same tactics used by abusive spouses. They train you to short circuit your own ability to make simple decisions, they erode your confidence in your own past experience, and substitute their own inadequacies instead.
Scientology exercises as much control as it can, even if it means causing you to lose your job, your family, and your friends. Just like emotional abusers do. I get angry as hell when I think about what I have lost.
I recall how hard it was to get away, but that once I did, it was painfully obvious what had happened: emotional abusers are adept at using your own natural human instincts against you. They control you by trampling upon your self-esteem, your certainties, and your confidence in your own decision making faculties.
Scientology oppresses its members with the same tactics used by abusive spouses. They train you to short circuit your own ability to make simple decisions, they erode your confidence in your own past experience, and substitute their own inadequacies instead.
Scientology exercises as much control as it can, even if it means causing you to lose your job, your family, and your friends. Just like emotional abusers do. I get angry as hell when I think about what I have lost.
Chapter 5: Sauna Torture
Scientology is a cult of blackmail. It only thrives by maintaining strict control over all the contents of its followers' minds. They have various means of extracting information. Auditing sessions use coercion, a potent force in itself, but that's just a smokescreen. The truth is, Scientology has instigated a far more subtle technique to soften up the critical thinking faculties of it's adherents:
Rigorous vitamen, sauna, and exercise regiments. From the outside, it appears to be a healthy combination. The poor, deluded Scientology recruit believes him or herself to be training like an athlete. But the fact is, this masks a carefully managed system of shocks to the system designed to exhaust the trainee. Combine this with long hours of studying the mystically bent, convoluted ramblings of a puerile, 1950's science fiction writer, and the result is a totally compliant convert.
When I was fully engaged in my new religion I had little time for anything or anyone else. It all just seemed so "toxic." My new routine and the exhausting schedule of courses, auditing, saunas, and bicycling alien ted me from my peers right away. My old friends used drugs, watched television, and atejunk food. That made them "toxic" and I was very vocal about it.
They left me behind because they felt the disparity. I changed.
Which was a good thing, at least according to the Staff. At Scientology, I was complimented for my "achievements." They were always happy fill in the vacuum left whenever I lost a friend, or dropped some outside activity. My new friends, and I hate to say this, were boring. Scientologists, as a matter of practice, tend to look down on all the little things that make the world great. I guess it's hard to enjoy an ice cream cone when you're trying to "Clear the Planet."
I can't really pinpoint the exact moment when they started thinking I was a human doormat, but I know it was somewhere between the verbal abuse drills and the probing interrogations disguised as spiritual counseling. I'm probably not the first person to draw a comparison between the Catholic Confessional and Scientology Auditing.
Violence is always employed in the Scientology pecking order. One of the first exercises Scientology recruits are put through is drill involving intense verbal abuse. The techniques they use to teach us self-control is reminiscent of the obedience school you'd put your dog though. Many have likened the training to that of Basic Training.
First he told me that I wasn't supposed to be allowed in the Sauna because I was menstruating. I was way too shocked to respond and then he grinned at me and said he was kidding. He patted the bench next to him and I purposefully strode to the opposite side of the room. It was steamy enough that I couldn't see his reaction when I seated myself.
The niacin was starting to kick in and I was already feeling awkward about that comment. What was he implying? It reminded me of a scene from Silence of the Lambs in which the detective is sexually harassed by a caged psychotic serial killer. In retrospect, she was in a better position than I was. At least she wasn't caged with a psychopath....
Rigorous vitamen, sauna, and exercise regiments. From the outside, it appears to be a healthy combination. The poor, deluded Scientology recruit believes him or herself to be training like an athlete. But the fact is, this masks a carefully managed system of shocks to the system designed to exhaust the trainee. Combine this with long hours of studying the mystically bent, convoluted ramblings of a puerile, 1950's science fiction writer, and the result is a totally compliant convert.
When I was fully engaged in my new religion I had little time for anything or anyone else. It all just seemed so "toxic." My new routine and the exhausting schedule of courses, auditing, saunas, and bicycling alien ted me from my peers right away. My old friends used drugs, watched television, and atejunk food. That made them "toxic" and I was very vocal about it.
They left me behind because they felt the disparity. I changed.
Which was a good thing, at least according to the Staff. At Scientology, I was complimented for my "achievements." They were always happy fill in the vacuum left whenever I lost a friend, or dropped some outside activity. My new friends, and I hate to say this, were boring. Scientologists, as a matter of practice, tend to look down on all the little things that make the world great. I guess it's hard to enjoy an ice cream cone when you're trying to "Clear the Planet."
I can't really pinpoint the exact moment when they started thinking I was a human doormat, but I know it was somewhere between the verbal abuse drills and the probing interrogations disguised as spiritual counseling. I'm probably not the first person to draw a comparison between the Catholic Confessional and Scientology Auditing.
Violence is always employed in the Scientology pecking order. One of the first exercises Scientology recruits are put through is drill involving intense verbal abuse. The techniques they use to teach us self-control is reminiscent of the obedience school you'd put your dog though. Many have likened the training to that of Basic Training.
First he told me that I wasn't supposed to be allowed in the Sauna because I was menstruating. I was way too shocked to respond and then he grinned at me and said he was kidding. He patted the bench next to him and I purposefully strode to the opposite side of the room. It was steamy enough that I couldn't see his reaction when I seated myself.
The niacin was starting to kick in and I was already feeling awkward about that comment. What was he implying? It reminded me of a scene from Silence of the Lambs in which the detective is sexually harassed by a caged psychotic serial killer. In retrospect, she was in a better position than I was. At least she wasn't caged with a psychopath....
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